Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
