If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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