you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
