If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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