I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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