Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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