I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
