video games are the ultimate cock blocker
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
