I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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