Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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