another moral hangover. fuck.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
