just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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