Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
