I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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