I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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