He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
