just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
