This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
