That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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