you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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