Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
