Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
