My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
