Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Randomize
