I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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