We're facebook friends in real life
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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