i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
