Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
