There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
