I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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