When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
