shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
