i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
