So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
