I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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