Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
