There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
