i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
