No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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