So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
