is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
