so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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