I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
