it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
