she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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