Your mouth is God's brothel.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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