I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
