I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
