My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
