im drinking this country out of the recession.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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