I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
