My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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