No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
40s are totally the cure
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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