so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I have so many feelings about this burrito
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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