I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
