i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
