Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Who died my cat blue again?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
