I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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